Pawns
by Gir obsesser
Summary: We have located the great almighty Hobo. We have traveled through Jhonens head. And we have caused the turmoil of the Invader Zim world. In reality, though we were no better than pawns. But even a mere pawn can take down a queen and win the game. IZ - JV'


**A roleplay that became a horrible, twisted fan fiction, by me and Chaos of the asylum. Check her out, she's cool.**

**Warning: there are quite a few OC's here.**

**Another warning: you will hate my character in the first few chapters. I'm oblivious as how to write for myself, and didn't get the hang of it until muuuuuch later on. I still don't have the hang of it, actually. Chaos's work on my charrie was the only reason she was even slightly sane. But rest assure that, in real life, I'm not a Marry-sue (or anywhere near as hyper as I am here). In fact, I'm a gothy person who people complain about how little I talk. CML is much less shy and publicly carries on all the things I am in secret. XD my inner demon.**

**Yet another: panties. Buhawhahwhaw! Don't worry, you'll get it later.**

**And another: contains rapr, one-sided surprise pairing, Zim stalkage, Dib stalkage, and Jhonen idolism. Bow to his mightiness! And I think that's about it for all coupling... am I 'bout right there, chaos?**

**Still one more: lots of perviness in the first half. Some cross-dressing, too, but that evaporates after a while as well. Rapr - boy lurve.**

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Shadows, darkness, no yin, only yang. Vibes of hate and cruelty, aura of sin. It was the shadows, hiding an elusive silhouette. The only light was the dim glow of machinery. Tips of gloved fingers were pressed together, and from a large, elaborate chess board of billions of squares and pieces, a pawn was plucked. The fingers rolled them about in their grasp.

This form reclined in a large winged chair, gazing harshly. Slowly, languidly, the pawn, black in color, was placed upon a square. "The pieces are set... may the war begin." the voice said coldly, and then broke into an evil cackle.

XXXXXXXX

One day, in a bright and sun-shiny village, a girl who went by CML around her friends was given immortality by a dirty hobo.

So she met a girl on the Internet named Chaos. After lengthy discussions about the portal in Jhonen's head, they agreed to make Chaos immortal so she could go through it as well. "Just a little farther!" CML cried, pointing dramatically toward the sky. It was a tall precipice they climbed on this tiny donkey, who was panting with their load, its legs threatening to collapse and send them all hurling down to the ground 90,000,000 miles below.

"Oh dear." Chaos said slightly out of character. "This is reeeally high. Are you sure were almost there, CML?"

"Don't worry Chaos." CML said, smiling. "It's not that much further. Just wait, soon you'll be immortal like me!"

Rocks tumbled down the side of the cliff, and the donkey winced, heaving. CML made a pouty face. "Maybe we should have brought another donkey...." she mumbled, scratching her head. This thought was forgotten, though, as they entered the layer of clouds swirling about Mount Olympus, the mountain they were in fact climbing. After another tedious few minutes, the donkey let out a cough, hacked, then collapsed conveniently on the platform that was the peak of the mountain. "Oh boy, we're here!" CML cried, waving around the pickle jar. Chaos raised an eyebrow as her companion indulged in a strange Irish jig of victory....

"Yeah, I remember when I climbed up the side of a mountain to see a hobo, and my donkey conveniently collapsed at the top!" an ominous voice from the fog proclaimed.

CML and Chaos looked up at the sound, and lo and behold, there he was. The man of legend. The Hobo man.

"Hey Hobo-man!" CML said casually, as if she had done this many times. She left Chaos gawking and stepped forward. "Yeah, we need an immortality blessing for Chaos."

"But did you bring the pickles?" He asked, his grimy smile turning into an inquisitive frown. She thrust the jar forward, a goofy stupid smile across her cheeks, a lock of hair sticking stubbornly up as she did so.

"Ah! So you did, so you did." he said, greedily taking his treasure. He nodded to Chaos. "Okay, prepare yourself for a headache beyond human understanding." He said, his eyes rolling creepily in opposite directions as he spoke.

Chaos was a bit unsure about receiving pain, but immortality was too great to resist. She nodded and stepped forward. CML grinned and awaited the hobo to begin the blessing.

"AWOOGAAH SNHNARPLE VLADGIR TWEETH!" The hobo shrieked, taking out an ear of corn, using one arm to beat Chaos over the head with the yellow vegetable, while flailing his other arm about wildly. "SCREAMOUF SHNOOP FLWAMPLE GWAP!" He finished off the ceremony by wielding his corn above his head, then bringing it down upon Chaos's head with such fury even Satan would cry. "I CAST YOU OUT, OH BEAST OF MORTALITY!" He thrust two ears of corn in front of the girl's face so they made a cross, then fell over and began to convulse madly, saliva flying all over the place.

He stopped five seconds later, and hungrily swallowed the corn like nothing had ever happened.

CML merely took a dance session in the corner, even though no music was apparent.

"Well... that was odd." Chaos said looking confused. "I don't get the headache thing, though. Only feel a little pain where the corn hit me."

"Just wait for it." CML, said still dancing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!" Chaos grabbed her head as a sudden supernatural headache came upon her. Unfortunately, in her surprise, she fell off the side of the mountain.

"NOOOOOOO!" CML said in slow-motion, jumping over the side of the mountain, hand extended. She stopped mid-air, rubbing her chin, just standing vertically. "You know, this could be really dramatic if it weren't for the fact that immortals don't die."

The hobo grinned widely, his teeth eroded. "Yup!"

"Yes very anti-climactic huh?" Chaos asked CML and the hobo, coming back up the mountain.

"Very. Well, off to the comic con then!" CML said, hovering back to the top of the mountain, her third eye blinking as it materialized on her forehead. She noted Chaos's stare. "It's my famous person radar." CML said, pointing at her eye, "It's usually invisible."

"Yup." the hobo gurgled, "That portal will be opening any minute now." He shouldered a random mountain goat, which brayed in confusion. "Well, off we are!"

Chaos was still so confused so much weird stuff. 'What's with this insane stuff man? And when will we get the IZ boys?' She thought unbeknown to her CML could hear these specific thoughts.

"Don't worry; I just paid extra during my immortalization. It was a lot of cotton candy for this!" She said, pointing to the eyeball on her forehead, which winked. "And we'll get the guys as soon as we cram ourselves through Jhonen's head."

The hobo extended his hands. "Alright, hold on tight now!" he bellowed. CML grasped his hand, and grabbed Chaos as well.

"We've got to make a ring. Take his hand!" CML said. Chaos's eyes strayed down to the grimy fingers, flies buzzing about the dirt-coated flesh, the fingernails rugged and yellow. The only protection from whatever parasites living on the palm was a brown fingerless glove.

Chaos sighed and grabbed the hobo's hand. 'Good thing I don't get sick very easily.'

CML ignored the head-comment, and the hobo began drooling. Suddenly, as soon as the first drop of drool splattered on the ground, the world began to spin and bend about them, twisting and contorting into a dizzying cyclone of colors and... well... spinning stuff.

Through the vortex they traveled until they were vomited out on the other side in a very noisy complex, in front of a particular booth, behind which a very handsome comic book artist dropped his pen, and attempted to scramble away.

"Nuh-huh!" CML yelled, "Not this time!" She grasped Jhonen's cloak, and despite his protests, pried the center of his head open, sticking her foot into the glowing red light it emitted. "Well come on, we don't have all day!" she scolded Chaos, pulling her through Jhonen's forehead, who was screaming and convulsing on the floor. The hobo dived in after them, and with a pop, Jhonen's head became normal once more.

He stood up, holding his head, and glanced about at the awed line of fans. All he could say to them, as they dropped their auto-graph books and useless fan novelties to goggle at him was "Uh... yeah...." Once again, for the trio that had vanished, the world span and contorted. Jhonen could only wince at the migraine this caused, and stabbed a fork into the nearest cosplayer.

"Poor cosplayer." Chaos said in mock sympathy as she cackled evilly at Jhonen's headache. "Now do I get Zim?"

"Not yet!" CML scolded her. "First we must visit the Massive and demand better Internet connections!"

"HAZA!!!!!!! ONWARD TO VICTORY!!!!!!!!!" Chaos threw her hands in the air and let loose an even louder maniacal laugh. "How am I doing in the evil category?" She asked smirking.

"Eh... we'll work on it." CML mumbled, scratching the back of her head. Her third eye vanished into mid-air, as expected once out of range of the god that is Jhonen.


End file.
